Ugh. Break-ups. A universally difficult thing to do and, in what can only be described as some cruel twist of fate, they seem to become more gruesome as we get older.
Breakups suck but if there’s any moment worthy of being accessorized with a glass of wine, it’s someone ripping your heart out and stomping on it.
So today I come to you solemnly and ready to help you cope with the bad news – wine in hand.
I cherry picked a few of the most common types of breakups and paired them with wine, as well as how much you’ll need to get you through. Good luck girl.
The Digital Breakup: Ah the Carrie Bradshaw post-it note breakup of our generation. If you’ve ever been dumped via email, text message or Snapchat then you understand the problem with a digital breakup lies in the delivery not the message. If you’ve shared bodily fluids with someone you definitely deserve a face-to-face, or at least voice-to-voice, break up. Well, no better time than now to understand you don’t always get the apologies or respect that you deserve. Take a moment to be angry then invite your girlfriends over to analyze this asshole’s message. You’ll need something a little light hearted because this really is a foolish situation. Rosé works because it’s light and crisp – just like this breakup. Bonus points if you hit the town after. No point in being sad over a coward. Life’s too short.
🍷 🍷🍷🍷🍷 A bottle – with friends.
The Unexpected End: Yikes. Unexpected breakups are about as difficult as a punch to the gut. No time to prepare, flinch or fear. This one is a little foreign to me, as I usually see it coming and speed it up by passive aggressively picking fights until my significant other is forced to end things. But that’s just me. What I do know is during this unstable time you’re going to need something sturdy and smooth. A blend using Petit Verdot and Petite Sirah, like this one, is a good choice. It’s heartiness is comforting – helpful after being blindsided by the asshole who you thought was the love of your life.
🍷🍷🍷 3 glasses
The Big Fight: A long time in the making. All of the resentment and tensions boiled over and all of a sudden that plate left in the sink turned into a big nasty fight. If you’re honest with yourself you’ll realize that this relationship has been over. Maybe you stopped having sex, maybe you barely talk, maybe you sighed every time he walked in the room for a month straight. Regardless, the signs were there and it’s probably more of a good thing that you (finally) heeded them. After the smoke clears from the fight and you’ve taken a day to calm down I’d say pair this with a light and versatile wine like Gamay. In a weird way, this red wine’s light bodied characteristics are encouraging. Plus you’ve probably never had it and after a sh*t show like that you need something different.
🍷🍷🍷 3 glasses
The Mutual Decision: This is the unicorn of breakups. To me, the thought of two people coming to terms with the fact that their relationship isn’t working out sounds like an urban legend. Also, I have questions: Did you also promise to always be friends? Do you still go to brunch together once a month? Does he watch your dog when you go out of town? In all honestly I’d pair this delusional break-up with a $5 bottle of Verdi Spumante because it’s alcohol, sure, but only 5%. The same people who think this will give them a buzz are the same people who think a breakup was ever mutual. Cheers!
🍷THE WHOLE BOTTLE
The Initiator: If you dumped him do you honestly even need wine to get you through this? Leaving someone you love sucks, sure, but it’s definitely better to leave than be left. Perhaps use this time to come to peace with your decision and in a month or so pour yourself a glass of champagne to celebrate your new life. You dumped him for a reason girl.
1 glass of water